


Battle of the Sexy

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-10
Updated: 2005-09-10
Packaged: 2019-05-30 22:26:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 17,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15106067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: WhenTimeMagazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy





	1. Battle of the Sexy

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


**Chapter One**

Early one morning, Claudia Jean Cregg arrived in the West Wing of the White House a bit later than usual. She was walking briskly toward her office trying to balance her cup of coffee and some files she'd picked up on the way in. Her assistant, Carol, approached her and they walked together through the halls. 

"A little late this morning," Carol commented. 

"There was traffic on 18th." 

"Right. CJ?" 

"Yeah." 

"I'm assuming you're aware of the thing with the First Lady." 

They rounded the corner and turned into CJ's office. 

"The Ouja board again?" CJ returned, only half-joking. 

"No." 

"What thing with the First Lady?" She asked, putting her things down onto her desk. 

"You know. The _Time_ magazine thing." 

CJ frowned. 

"What _Time_ magazine thing?" 

"Uh oh." 

"Carol." 

Carol flipped through the many papers she held in her arms and pulled out a magazine. 

"Here." She handed it to CJ. 

CJ's jaw dropped when she saw the cover. 

"Oh my God." 

"I take it you didn't know after all," Carol said. 

"Do the others know?" CJ questioned. 

"I don't know. It was on my desk this morning." 

"Do me a favor- round up the senior staff and bring them here please." 

"Yeah." Carol paused. "Is this a good thing or a bad thing?" 

"I honestly have no idea." 

"Right," Carol said, ducking out of the room quickly. 

CJ said down at her desk with the magazine and started flipping through it, when a thought occurred to her. 

"CAROL!" She shouted. 

Carol popped her head in on her way by the door. 

"Carol, get me Amy Gardner in the East Wing and have her meet us in my office ASAP, please." 

"Got it." 

*** 

Five minutes later, CJ's office was filled with people- Leo, Josh, Sam, and Toby had all arrived. 

"What's going on?" Toby asked, stoic as usual. 

"Ok." She took a deep breath. "Do any of you guys subscribe to _Time_ magazine?" CJ asked. 

They all nodded in assent. 

"When was the last time any of you was home long enough to actually go through your mail?" 

The question was met with a chorus of "umm"'s and "well…"'s and quite a few shoulder shrugs. 

"That's what I thought," CJ said, walking around to the front of her desk and sitting on the edge. "Then feast your eyes on this." 

She handed the magazine to Leo, who stood nearest to her. 

"Dear God," he said, with an amused, yet appalled, expression on his face. He handed the magazine to Sam, next to him. His face lit up. 

"Dear, there IS a God!" Sam cried, expanding on Leo's statement. 

He passed it to Josh. He looked shocked at first, then a smile crept over his face. 

"At least it's a great picture of her," Josh said, passing the magazine to Toby. 

As Toby regarded the cover, Sam and Josh started laughing like schoolboys. 

"Has _Time_ really come to this?" 

Just then, Amy opened the door and practically hopped into the room. 

"Hey. Sorry it took me so long." 

"Hey, Amy," they all replied, in one form or another. 

"What's going on?" 

Without a word, Toby handed her the magazine. Amy grinned with satisfaction. 

"All right, Mrs. Bartlet!" She exclaimed. 

They all just stared at her. 

"I bet this is a good read. Really." 

Toby, CJ, and Leo looked at her sternly, while Sam and Josh continued laughing. 

"What? You don't find this amusing at all?!" Amy questioned, dubiously. 

"Oh. Well, I do." Sam managed to put on a straight face, albeit mockingly, long enough to say. 

"Mmm, yes. Me too," Josh said, seriously. 

The two of them looked each other then burst out laughing again. 

"It's just a magazine cover!" Amy insisted to those who seemed to be taking it too seriously. 

"It's not just a magazine cover," CJ said, calmly. 

"It's _Time_ magazine, first of all," Toby stated. 

"And that's the First Lady of the United States of America on the front!" Leo added. 

"Not only that, but it's what's written on the cover that should be getting our attention." 

***************************************** 


	2. Battle of the Sexy 2

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Two**

On one side of the magazine's cover, there was a picture of Jacqueline Kennedy, and on the other end was a picture of Abigail Bartlet. Under the pictures, the words "Who's the Sexiest First Lady of All Time?" were printed. Below, in smaller letters, "You decide." 

"Do you think the President knows about this?" Toby questioned. 

"I think there's a very good chance the First Lady doesn't even know this," CJ answered. 

"She never mentioned it to me if she did!" Amy said. 

"No, they don't know about this. One of them would have told me," Leo stated. 

"So how do we deal with this?" Toby asked. 

"I don't know about you, but I wanna go to the website and cast my vote!" Josh answered. 

"For Jackie or Mrs. Bartlet?" Sam asked, laughing. 

"I'll never tell." 

"I think we need to tell the Bartlets before we do anything," Amy suggested. 

"Yeah, I agree," Said CJ. 

"Hey, what happens if she wins? Wait. If she loses?" Sam inquired. 

"Leo, do you think this is going to be a good or bad thing?" Josh asked. 

"Well, I don't know if I like the First Lady being branded as a sex symbol," Leo replied. 

"Worked for Jackie," Josh pointed out. 

"Yeah, but we'll never know if Kennedy would have been reelected if not for Dallas." 

"You think this is gonna affect the reelection campaign?" Sam asked. 

"Yeah, it's gonna affect the campaign!" 

"For the better or for the worse?" 

"There's absolutely no telling. It could go either way," Leo answered. 

"All right. Well, we better head to the Oval and let the President in on this," Said CJ. 

They decided to inform the Bartlets all together- plus, Sam and Josh insisted they wouldn't miss this for the world. They stopped at Charlie's desk. 

"Is the President in?" Leo asked. 

"Yeah, he's inside," Charlie replied, gesturing toward the Oval Office. He was quite confused as to why the entire senior staff was crowded in front of his small desk. 

"Anyone in there with him?" 

"Well, yeah…the First Lady's in there with him, and Zoey and Elizabeth." 

"Zoey and Elizabeth?" CJ repeated. 

"Yes. And no, I don't know why." 

"Ok, thanks. Let's go on in and get this over with." 

"Wait a second, what's going on?" Charlie asked. 

Amy held up the magazine for Charlie to see. 

"Oh, no." 

"Oh, yes. Come on." 

Leo knocked on the door to the Oval Office. 

"Come in!" Liz shouted. 

"Wait a second!" The President called. 

Then, quietly, he said, "Liz, I'm the President, I get to say 'come in.'" 

"Oh, please, Dad." 

"It's one of the few perks that come with this job," Jed insisted before shouting, "By the executive power vested in me, and me only, I hereby declare the invitation for you to enter the Oval Office in effect!" 

Leo opened the door and they all walked in. Jed was in his chair, Zoey and Liz sat on the couch, and Abbey was sitting on the edge of the desk. 

"Oh, my God," Liz said, shocked to see all of them pile into the office at once. 

"Are we under attack?" Abbey asked, coyly, crossing her legs. 

"Depends how you look at it really," Sam said, holding in his laughter. Josh was trying to do the same. Amy jabbed him in the ribs and he silenced himself. 

"What's up, guys?" Jed asked, casually. 

CJ walked over and sat down on the other couch across from Zoey and Liz. 

"Mr. President, this may be a dumb question, but have you seen , _Time_ magazine today?" 

"I haven't even seen my own face in the mirror today, CJ, what do you think?" 

"Right." She looked up at Leo, helplessly. 

Leo moved to sit beside CJ on the couch. 

"Sir, we found this this morning. Actually, Carol found it. But either way…" 

"What is it?" Abbey asked, anxiously. 

"I swear I didn't know a thing about it, ma'am," Amy said, quickly. 

"Know a thing about what? What is it?" 

Reluctantly, Amy walked over and handed the magazine to Abbey. As she looked at the cover, her hand involuntarily rose to cover her open mouth. Her concerned frown turned into a grin and she began to giggle girlishly, to the amusement of Elizabeth and Zoey. 

"Oh, my GOD!" She exclaimed. "Oh my God." 

"What, Abbey? Give it to me." 

She stood and handed it to her husband. He looked it over, then put it down on his lap. They all waited anxiously for his reaction. Finally, he spoke. 

"Jackie Kennedy doesn't stand a chance!" 

"What? Stand at a chance at what?" Zoey questioned. 

"Oh, for God's sake," Liz said, getting up and taking the magazine from her father. She, like Sam and Josh, burst out laughing when she saw the cover. Zoey stood and looked over her sister's shoulder. 

"Is this a joke?" Zoey asked. 

Leo looked confused. The thought of this being a prank had never occurred to him. He looked suspiciously at his staff, especially at Sam and Josh. 

"Well?" 

"What? No!" Josh cried. 

"We didn't do anything, I swear. Look inside the magazine. It's real," Sam insisted. 

"No, Leo, they didn't do anything. I was flipping through it after Carol gave it to me. It is real," CJ said. 

"This is weird," Zoey said with confusion as she sat back down. 

"Yeah," Liz agreed, distractedly, sitting down as well. 

"What? Just because I'm your mother means I can't be sexy?" Abbey countered, putting her hands on her hips. 

"Well…yeah," Zoey answered, truthfully. 

"I resent that." 

"Mom, you've got three grown daughters and two grandchildren. So, yeah, it's a little weird for us," Liz added. 

"Well, it's not weird for me," Jed said. 

"Better not be," Abbey said, moving and sitting down on the arm of Jed's chair. 

"Dad," Zoey said, disdainfully. 

"What? I'm proud." 

"Proud that people all across the country are going to be thinking impure thoughts about your wife from now on?" Liz asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"They better not!" 

"Sir…I'm afraid that's the downside to this situation," CJ said. "It may boost Mrs. Bartlet's ratings in the polls, but when it comes right down to it, does America really want its First Lady to be a sex symbol?" 

"When do we get the results of this magazine poll?" Abbey asked, ignoring what CJ had said. 

"Two weeks, ma'am," Amy answered. 

"How does the voting work?" questioned the President. 

"The voting's being done online, sir," Toby said. 

"It's open to the public?" 

"Well, yeah, it's not like they're only polling people who work on the Hill," said Josh. 

"Although that would be good in helping you discover who your enemies are," Sam pointed out, with a smirk. 

Jed stood up. 

"Where are you going?!" Abbey asked. 

"I'm gonna go vote!" 

A chorus of pleading "Sir"'s flooded the room. 

"And you guys should all go vote too! Rule the vote! Or…whatever," Jed said. 

"Rock the vote, Dad," Zoey corrected him. 

"Rock, rule, same thing." 


	3. Battle of the Sexy 3

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Three**

"I can't believe it!" Abbey called from inside the bathroom. 

Jed was in the bedroom fixing them some drinks. 

"Believe what?" 

"You know." 

"Wha-oh. Yes. That." 

"What do you think of all this?" She asked. 

"Oh, I'm…I'm just thrilled," Jed replied. 

She emerged from the bathroom, now wearing her nightgown, and taking off her earrings. 

"You're lying," she accused, almost saying it as if it were a question. 

"Not I." 

"Yes, you are. You're lying. What's the matter?" 

"Nothing is the matter, Abigail. I'm thrilled." 

She walked over, a suspicious look in her eye, and took a drink from him. 

"Liar," she said quickly before taking a sip from her glass. 

He was about to take a sip himself, but stopped. 

"Am not!" 

"Jed, why don't you just tell me what's bothering you?" Abbey questioned. 

"I told you. Nothing is…" 

"Do you really think that after thirty-five years of marriage I can't see right through you?" 

He sighed and sat down on the couch. 

"Well, it's not a complete lie." 

She sat down next to him. 

"And?" 

"Part of me is thrilled." 

"But…" 

"But part of me is jealous." 

Abbey laughed. 

"You wanted to compete against Jackie Kennedy for Sexiest First Lady instead?" 

"Yeah, you got me." 

"Well, what then?" 

"I don't know. I'm just not completely comfortable with all of this," Jed admitted. 

"In the way that the girls aren't comfortable with it?" 

"No." 

"In what way?" 

"In the way that now…I don't know, now I feel like the whole world is going to see you in a different light. My light." 

"Your light," she repeated, in disbelief. 

"You know, the light only I'm allowed to see you in." 

"Oh. That light." 

"The odd thing about it is, I've always thought it would be nice if you would get some recognition…you know, in that particular sense. And now that it's happened…I don't like it. At all." 

"You poor thing." She rolled her eyes. 

"I'm serious, Abbey. If we thought Lord John was bad…imagine it after this fiasco. Lord John will be the least of our problems." 

"Jed, he's always been the least of our problems." 

"You know what I mean." 

"I do, but I think you're overreacting. It's just a magazine poll," Abbey said. 

"Yeah. A magazine poll that's got the entire staff in a frenzy." 

"That was only today. By tomorrow, it'll all have blown over. Trust me." 

Suddenly, his mood lightened a bit. 

"I'm supposed to trust the Sexiest First Lady of All Time?" 

"Hey, I haven't won yet." 

"I'll have you know that I actually went to that website and I ruled the vote," Jed said. 

"I'm happy you _rocked_ the vote, honey, but that's just one person." 

"One person who happens to reign supreme over the free world. The President has spoken. What I say goes." 

"And what do you say?" 

"I say Abigail Bartlet is the Sexiest First Lady of all time, Kennedy or no Kennedy." 

"Well, you're biased." 

"And thank God for that." 

"Maybe Liz and Zoey were right," Abbey said, sighing. 

"Right about what?" 

"It really is weird." 

"You're kidding me." 

"No. Liz's right. I've got three grown children. I'm a grandmother, for God's sake." 

"Ok, can I just say something?" Jed asked. 

"I could say no, but you've got the legal right to overrule me, Mr. President." 

"I bet if America didn't know we had three grown children and two grandchildren, they'd think I'd married someone half my age. A trophy wife." 

Abbey laughed. 

"A trophy wife. Ha!" 

"That's what you are." 

"Excuse me?!" 

"That…that's not what I meant, Abbey. I just meant that you're…" 

She smiled. 

"I know what you meant." 

"Hey. Whether or not you win that stupid little contest, you'll know what my position on the subject is." 

"Oh?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow. 

"Oh indeed." 

"Well, if won't be a stupid little contest if I do win." 

"Hell no. It'll be the best damned magazine in the world and I'll personally decorate it with the Congressional Medal of Honor." 

"Then I certainly hope I don't win, because I think the public would lose faith in your judgment if you did something like that. And you can kiss the campaign goodbye." 

"Campaign shampaign." 

"Don't ever say that again." 

"Ok." He grinned at her. "Come, my little trophy wife." 

"Ah yes. And so to bed." 

"Indeed, grasshopper. Indeed." 


	4. Battle of the Sexy 4

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Four**

9 Days Left… 

"Mrs. Bartlet, we think you should do a talk show," CJ said. 

She and Leo were in Abbey's office in the East Wing. 

"A morning show?" 

"No," Leo answered. "Late night." 

"You're kidding. Really?" 

"Yes." 

"Because of the contest right?" Abbey asked. 

"Well, it can't hurt the campaign either," Leo said. 

"Which one? The campaign to reelect my husband or the campaign to make me Sexiest First Lady? Because I've been wondering which one has taken priority lately…" She looked at them suspiciously. 

"We just think the people should hear from you firsthand how you're feeling about the contest and how you and the President are handling it," Leo explained. 

"We're willing to bet some Americans are feeling uneasy about it because they think you disapprove," CJ continued. 

"Do I disapprove?" 

"No," Leo returned. "It's all in good fun to you." 

"Oh, it is, is it?" 

"Abbey, we're not telling you what to think, we're…" 

"Really? Because that's exactly what it sounds like." She placed her hands on her hips. 

"You ARE ok with this, aren't you, ma'am?" 

"Yes, CJ, I am. But that doesn't mean the President is and I won't speak for him." 

CJ looked at Leo with alarm. 

"The President disapproves?" 

"I wouldn't say that, but I know he isn't completely comfortable with it," Abbey answered. 

"Abbey," Leo began, looking at her seriously. "Listen. Everyone knows that you have quite a way with words. You're compelling in front of an audience and the public adores you. They've seen you serious on Larry King and now I think it's time that they see the charming, witty, fun, and yes sexy, Abigail Bartlet the President fell in love with. They need to see that." 

She opened her mouth to speak but Leo held up his hand and continued. 

"Pick a talk show, any one you want. Go, have fun, be yourself, and don't worry about First Lady etiquette." 

"When do I ever?" Abbey joked. 

But Leo remained serious. 

"Often, Abbey. You know when to be Abbey and when to be First Lady, thank God, whether you realize it or not. You are an excellent First Lady. We just want the world to see you when you're not dressed to the nines being gracious and hospitable or giving dramatic, grave speeches in the Middle East. We never saw Jacqueline Kennedy like that while she was in the White House and we're starting to think maybe we should have." 

"Well. That's quite an argument you put forth there, McGarry," Abbey commented. 

"Well, it's about time that…" 

She cut him off. 

"Leno." 

"What?" 

"I choose Jay Leno." 

" _The Tonight Show_?" Leo asked. 

"That's the one." 

"You want to go on _The Tonight Show with Jay Leno_?" CJ confirmed. 

"Yes," Abbey answered, matter-of-factly. 

CJ smiled. 

"All right. You got it," CJ said, writing it down. "And I think I can get him to clear a show for you completely- you'll have to the whole hour to yourself. No other guests." 

"Oh, Lord. That just gives me more time to screw up and say something inappropriate. It's only a matter of time before I do that, you know." 

"We trust you, Abbey," Leo said, confidently. 

"I don't know if I trust myself on Leno for a whole hour. I'm bound to…" 

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Bartlet, but we're not worried and you shouldn't be either," CJ said. 

"All right then. California, here I come." 


	5. Battle of the Sexy 5

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Five**

7 Days Left 

Amy, Abbey, and her agents arrived in Los Angeles, California, and thanked their lucky stars that they were given this vacation. They wouldn't call it a vacation around anyone else, but Abbey and Amy were more than willing to take a break from the non-stop White House mentality. It was 11am and Abbey was due at the NBC studios by 5pm. 

Abbey knocked on the door of Amy's hotel room, which adjoined to her own room. 

"Amy?" 

She opened the door. 

"Ma'am." 

Abbey held up her towel and Amy noticed she was in her bathing suit. "Shall we?" 

"Only if you have sunblock because I didn't…" 

Abbey held up some Coppertone and grinned. Amy laughed. 

"Just give me five minutes. I'll meet you out there." 

 

Ten minutes later, Abbey and Amy were lying on lounge chairs by the hotel pool, complete with sunglasses and margaritas, and surrounded by creepy-looking agents. 

"I can't decide whether it sucks to be you or if it's heaven to be you," Amy said. 

Abbey laughed. She loved that Amy was so honest and blunt, even around her. 

"Both at times." 

"What about now?" 

"Mixed emotions. Heaven that I'm in L.A. at a luxurious hotel hanging by the pool…and sucks because I can't flee all these agents no matter what I do," Abbey replied. 

"Don't you ever just want to escape?" 

"As a matter of fact, yes." 

Amy sat up. She hadn't expected that answer. 

"You do?" 

"Mm hmm. Don't you?" 

"Well, yeah but…" 

"Everyone wants to escape from something, Amy. Nobody's life can be heaven all the time," Abbey said. 

"Not even the First Lady of the United States?" 

"Especially not the First Lady of the United States." 

Amy nodded, thoughtfully. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Amy inquired. 

"Go ahead." 

"What's it really like being married to the President of the United States? And I don't mean it the way Jay Leno is probably gonna ask you tonight. I mean honestly." 

"Why, are you considering marrying a future President?" Abbey asked, jokingly. 

Amy didn't say anything. 

"Oh my God. You are." 

"Mrs. Bartlet…" 

"It's Josh, isn't it?" 

"I'm just curious, Mrs. Bartlet. That's all," Amy insisted. 

"Ok. Well. Hmm…" 

"Like how does it make you feel?" 

"Well, sometimes it makes me feel really small. And other times I feel larger than life. You have to understand, Amy, it's never the same. There are times that I'm grateful to be where I am, because it's really liberating to be able to have so much influence over the world. After years of wanting to change the world, now I finally have the power to most of those things. But then I'll look around at the agents and watch my husband's staff scurry around like maniacs, educating me on what I need to say in public, what to wear, how to act…and it makes me feel trapped." 

"Wow," Amy said, quietly, tracing the rim of her margarita glass with her fingertip. 

"And then there's…well, then there's the President. Sometimes I watch him and it seems like I don't even know who he is. And then, maybe even just minutes later, I observe him with awe, with pride. I think about how lucky I am to be married to a man of such stature. But I swear to God, Amy, you can't imagine what it's like to…" 

"To what?" Amy interjected, with interest. 

"Well, I just…I think of where Jed and I were twenty-five years ago: just living on a farm in New Hampshire with our children and respective careers. The very epitome of simplicity. And now…now it's all silver spooned elegance lined with stress and pressure. It's all very…bittersweet, I guess I would say," Abbey stated, sighing and staring at the sky. 

"This isn't what you wanted?" Amy asked. 

"Lord, no. It isn't what I imagined at least. I never dreamed that I would be sitting here with my own Chief of Staff surrounded by Secret Service agents who get paid to keep me alive." 

"You never imagined? Not even when you were kid?" 

"Never." 

"Ah. The things we do for love," Amy said, thinking. 

"Truer words have never been said, kid." 

Then it occurred to Abbey that just a few hours later…she would be sitting on front of Jay Leno, dishing out the details about her life and trying to be relaxed. 


	6. Battle of the Sexy 6

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Six**

By 11:15pm, the White House movie theater was packed. They had decided to watch the First Lady's guest appearance on _The Tonight Show_ altogether. Gathered in the room was the entire staff of the West  & East Wing, the President, Vice President Hoynes, all three First Daughters, Doug Westin, Annie, Gus, Ellie's boyfriend Sean, Mallory O'Brien, and Andrea Wyatt, who came with Toby. It was truly an important night at the White House. 

"CJ, you briefed about the purpose of this Leno thing, right?" Sam whispered, leaning over so she could hear him. 

"Yeah, everything's good." 

"Ok. Mr. President?" 

"Yeah." 

"You spoke to the First Lady this morning?" Sam asked. 

"Yes, Sam," Jed answered, exasperatedly. "I spoke to her this morning, this afternoon, and about twenty minutes ago." 

Knowing the episode had already been shot, Sam asked, "Did she give you a heads-up on the show?" 

"No, actually, she avoided the topic. She said it went fine," Jed replied. 

Sam squirmed uneasily in his seat. 

"Fine?" 

"Yeah, she said it was fine. What's the matter?" 

"Sam's nervous," Josh explained. 

"I'm not nervous!" 

"Yeah, you are. He's nervous. He's convinced she's going to ruin us." 

"And why would you think that?" The President asked, facetiously. 

"Sir, with all due respect…the First Lady's a little… on the rebellious side," Sam said. 

"If you had to choose who Mrs. Bartlet most resembled, would you say Sandy or Rizzo?" Josh said. 

A unanimous "Rizzo" was the response. 

"There, there," the President said, mockingly. "Do I look like Kenickie to you?" 

"No, but you don't look like John Travolta either," CJ said, laughing. 

"Ok, I got one," Mallory said. "In a fight between Abbey and Darth Vader, complete with light saber and Abbey without one, who kicks ass?" 

A unanimous "Abbey" was the response. 

"What an appealing idea for foreplay," the President said, grinning. 

They all covered their ears and groaned. 

"Dad!" 

"Sorry, but I had to find some way to get you to drop it. Apparently that's the way. I think my wife has been the subject of enough polls this week." 

"Oh, shh! Shh, it's coming on," Leo said, turning up the volume for the huge screen in front of them. 

The lights dimmed as _The Tonight Show_ 's theme began playing. They waited with bated breath to see what would happen next. 

~ 

After the initial stand-up comedy that traditionally takes place at the beginning of the show, host Jay Leno walked over and sat down at his desk. 

"Ok, everyone, we've got a great show for you today. Although we are without a musical guest due to time constraints, we've got one helluva guest to keep us busy for the next hour. She is a woman of innumerable accomplishments. Doctor, medical professor on staff at Boston College, mother of three, and she just happens to be the wife of the most powerful man in the world." 

~ 

"You hear that?" Jed said, elbowing Leo next to him. 

"Yeah, we heard, sir," Leo said, rolling his eyes. 

~ 

"She has used her enviable position by advocating for women's lib organizations and against child labor, and spends much of her time overseas doing charity work and lecturing in the Middle East and South America." 

~ 

"Rizzo, my ass," the President said, proudly, at the mention of his wife's many accomplishments. 

"Dad, shh!" Ellie whispered. 

~ 

"And this week _Time_ magazine announced a poll asking 'Who's the Sexiest Lady of All Time?'" Jay said, holding up the magazine for the audience, and the camera, to focus on. 

"Nice, huh? Anyway," he said, putting the magazine down. "Now don't try anything because not only is her lovely Chief of Staff, Amy Gardner, waiting backstage with a cell phone in hand ready to call the President at any moment, but there are many large and well-equipped agents just yards away who could kick the crap out of Kevin Costner in _The Bodyguard_. Come to think of it, my next guest could kick the crap out of Whitney Houston too." 

~ 

"Could this night possibly have any more pop culture references?" Elizabeth commented. 

"Shh! Liz!" Zoey whispered. 

~ 

"She and I used to be friends when we went to high school together in Massachusetts and I'm embarrassed to say I haven't seen her since, especially now knowing all that she's become." 

~ 

Everyone in the room looked at the President, whose eyes had widened. 

"I'm guessing your dad had no idea that…" Doug whispered to his wife. 

"No," Liz said, quickly. "I highly doubt he did." 

"Shh! Liz!" Ellie and Zoey said at the same time. 

She shot them a dirty look. 

"Oh, can it, the both of ya." 

~ 

"Ok. Please welcome the First Lady of the United States of America, Dr. Abigail Bartlet!" 

~ 

Everyone at the White House gasped with surprise when Abbey walked onto the soundstage. 

"Oh, no," Leo said, under his breath. 

They all turned to look at him. 

"I told her she could lose the First Lady etiquette," he told them. 

They all groaned and whined. 

"Well, that explains it," Sam said, with horror, as they all watched the First Lady make her way toward Jay Leno. 

The show was gonna be a doozy tonight. 


	7. Battle of the Sexy 7

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Seven**

The crowd went wild when Abbey walked onto the stage. A couple of teenage girls over to the left of audience held a sign that said 'WE LOVE YOU, ABBEY!' and they were squealing. She laughed and waved at them. She hadn't realized she had a fan base. 

Jay come over from behind his desk and walked toward her. He, too, looked shocked at her appearance. She was wearing a tight jean skirt that flared out at the knees, a form-fitting white t-shirt that said 'Rock the Vote,' a red and blue belt that said 'Bartlet for America,' and black, high-heeled, open-toed sandals. She was wearing a great deal of eyeliner and mascara, and pink eye shadow. In her hand, she carried a purse that had pictures of numerous First Ladies on it and which said 'FLOTUS' in huge letters on it. Her hair was swept up off her neck by a hair clip. In short, she looked less than half her age. 

Abbey and Jay walked toward each other and hugged. He then led her over to the overstuffed chair next to his desk and they both took their places. 

"Wow!" Jay exclaimed. 

She laughed, self-deprecatingly. 

Jay turned to the audience; they were still cheering wildly. 

"I don't know if I'm wowing the reaction you're getting from my normally sedated audience or if I'm wowing the way you look right now!" 

Abbey could only continuing laughing, embarrassed. 

"I didn't know the First Lady had clothes like that! You look about twenty-one!" 

~ 

Sam whistled. 

"Neither did I!" 

Josh was staring at the TV, like he knew something the rest of them didn't. Something was just so familiar to him about the First Lady's entire ensemble… 

~ 

"Oh, well, they're not mine," Abbey replied. "They belong to my fabulous Chief of Staff, Amy Gardner, who was kind enough to lend this out to me tonight." 

~ 

"That's where I know that outfit from!" Josh shouted at the TV, with satisfaction. "I thought I'd seen Amy wearing something like that." 

"Shh!" Mallory said, leaning in to focus more on the TV. 

"Yeah, shut up, Josh," Liz said, grinning and then sticking her tongue out at him. 

"Look who's talking, Liz!" Ellie said, eyeing her older sister. 

"No pun intended, I'm sure," Sam said. 

~ 

"This was a last-minute wardrobe change?" Jay asked. 

"I was going to wear one of my suits, you know, but I decided this was a special occasion," Abbey replied, grinning slyly. 

"Why is that?" 

"Well, you see…my husband's Chief of Staff, a certain Leo McGarry, told me I could ix-nay on the First Lady stuff tonight. So that's exactly what I'm doing." 

"All right. Well, we're going to go to commercial. When we come back, much more with the great Abbey Bartlet!" 

~ 

"Dammit, Leo!" Jed said. 

"Sir, I had no idea she was going to…" 

"I know you didn't. How could you know? She's my wife and even I didn't see that coming." 

"I gotta say though, I'm loving that outfit," Zoey said. 

"Yeah, I have that shirt," Ellie added. 

"It's Rock the Vote. We all have that shirt," Liz said. "Annie even has that shirt." 

"Grandma doesn't apparently," Said Annie. 

"She does now," CJ said. "I don't think Amy's getting that outfit back after this." 

"How bad is this gonna be?" The President asked, looking at his staff. 

"Not as bad as it would be if she came out wearing a dominatrix outfit," Sam replied. 

"True. Could have been worse, sir," Josh agreed. 

All at once, everyone in the room sighed. Now they just had to wait and see what Abbey was going to say. They had a feeling her outfit was going to be the least of their problems. 


	8. Battle of the Sexy 8

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Eight**

"Welcome back, everyone. We're here with Abbey Bartlet, First Lady of the United States, who has stunned us with her incredible fashion sense," Jay said, laughing. 

"My Chief of Staff's incredible fashion sense," Abbey corrected. "Must give credit where credit is due." 

"Right. Now, you're on the cover of _Time_ magazine, hmm?" 

He held up the magazine again. 

"Let's not forget Jackie Kennedy now," Abbey replied. 

"It's easy to forget with that picture of you," Jay said. 

"Jay, you flatter me," Abbey said, putting on a Southern belle-style accent. 

"Did you have any idea about this?" 

"None whatsoever. It sure shocked the hell outta my husband's staff." 

~ 

"Oh, God. Did she just…?" Josh stuttered. 

"Uh huh," Sam said, nodding. 

"She just…" CJ tried to speak. 

"Swore," Toby added. 

"On national television," Charlie finished. 

"Josh, I need you to call Amy's cell phone on the next commercial break," Leo ordered, quickly. 

"Ok." 

~ 

"How does the President feel about all this?" Jay questioned. 

"He's…adjusting," Abbey replied, simply. 

"Meaning?" 

"He's got mixed feelings about it, is all." 

"And how do you feel about it?" 

"Me? Eh, I can take it or leave it," Abbey answered. 

"Has this given you more confidence?" 

"Confidence? Are you kidding me? Yeah, I think I have a real inferiority complex," she said, rolling her eyes. 

"I guess I should have rephrased. Did you realize you had that…kind of appeal to the public before?" 

"Oh, Lord, no. I never realize people would think of me that way. That's the kind of appeal I thought I only had in the bedroom," Abbey admitted, laughing. 

~ 

Toby dropped his head into his hands and groaned. 

"Ok, who's idea was this?!" Josh exclaimed. 

"Seriously," Sam agreed. 

"That would be CJ," Leo said. 

CJ ducked as they all threw popcorn at her. 

The First Daughters seemed a bit freaked out by their mother's proclamation, whilst Jed seemed to be the only one enjoying the show so far. He decided to enjoy watching his wife on late night tv and let his staff worry about the political consequences. 

~ 

Jay was cracking up. 

"Is the President watching this right now?" 

"Oh, you bet he is." 

"But no pressure, right?" 

"He's harmless, Jay," she laughed. 

"Let me guess. He's like a great big teddy bear, isn't he?" 

Abbey broke down with laughter. 

"When he's not in the Roosevelt Room." 

~ 

"This is great," Josh said. "Just great. Now we've got the people thinking the President is a stuffed animal. Real intimidating." 

"North Korea must be shakin' in its boots," Liz added, sarcastically. 

"We'll never win another war again," Mallory said, dramatically, putting the back of her hand on the forehead. 

"Hey, girls, this is serious business. You think this is a joke, but…" Sam began. 

"Oh, shut up, Jackass," Mallory returned, grinning innocently. 

Jed immediately twisted himself to look at Mallory. 

"Mallory, honey, you've been spending way too much time with my wife." 

"How long do you think it'll be before Mom says 'Jackass' on the show?" Zoey asked. "Come on, I'm taking bets here." 


	9. Battle of the Sexy 9

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Nine**

"What about your daughters? How do they feel about their mother being Sexiest First Lady of All Time?" Jay asked her. 

"I haven't won yet! But…my girls are a bit disturbed. They believe that as the mother of three children above the age of twenty-one, and as a grandmother, I can't be, mmm…attractive in that way. As for my husband, I believe I proved that statement wrong last night." She winked in the direction of the audience, who roared with laughter. 

~ 

"No," Leo said, under his breath. 

Zoey looked at her father with disgust. 

"Dad!" 

"What?! I didn't do anything!" 

"I…can't believe she said that," CJ said, quietly. 

"You know what we'll do? Tomorrow morning, when you brief the press, just claim temporary insanity! That's the only option!" Josh raved. 

"Josh," Leo said, admonishingly. 

"What are we gonna do?" Sam asked. 

Leo sighed. 

"Sit, watch, and wait." 

~ 

"Well then!" Jay exclaimed. "That's going to go on America's list of 'Things We Never Needed to Know About the President's Sex Life.'" 

"Oh, I'm sure I can think of plenty more you could add to that list given the chance," Abbey said, one eyebrow raised. 

~ 

"Please God, don't let her go on," Josh whispered, eyes closed. 

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Ellie said. 

"Hey, what did you think your mother and I did up here alone all the time?" Jed asked, amused. 

"Anything but that!" Liz exclaimed. 

"We like to pretend you read aloud or play chess," Zoey said. 

"Nah, Leo's my chess buddy," the President replied. 

They looked over at Leo, whose eyes were glued to the screen, his jaw hanging wide open, in shock. 

~ 

"God, I'd love to see Jackie Kennedy talk like this!" Jay commented. 

"Well, to tell you the truth, I probably shouldn't be talking like this either," Abbey admitted. 

~ 

"Damn right!" Josh shouted. 

"Josh," Leo said, again. 

~ 

"Are you gonna be in trouble for this? Time out at the White House?" 

"More or less," Abbey answered. "They'll just lock me in the Residence for the next six months with no food or water, until I look like Charles Manson." 

~ 

"Well," Sam sighed. "The First Lady has officially succeeded in getting herself on the Mansons' hit list. We might want to double her detail." 

"Who's the drama queen now?" Mallory said. 

"You guys are worse than me and Amy," Josh said. 

"In the words of Liz, can it, the both of ya," Jed hissed. 


	10. Battle of the Sexy 10

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Ten**

"So, let's talk about your husband's reelection campaign," Jay suggested. 

~ 

"Yes! Please!" Sam exclaimed. 

"God, please, just this once…" Josh said, looking up. 

~ 

"All right. Ask away," Abbey encouraged. 

"Now I know there was some controversy regarding the campaign and the President's health." 

"Let me tell you something, Jay," Abbey said, crossing her legs casually. "I would physically hurt myself before I let my husband run for president again if I didn't think he was capable, despite the MS." 

~ 

"Great, now the First Lady is self-destructive," Josh said, sighing. 

"Shut up, Josh, she's finally saying something substantial. Don't talk over it!" Sam said. 

~ 

"There is no doubt in my mind that he is more than capable of continuing his incredible run as president. As we told the press, my husband's type of MS is relapsing-remitting, which does not hinder him in any way from doing his job well." 

"You're the doctor! Speaking of which. How are you doing? I mean, without your medical license." 

~ 

"Ouch," CJ said, quietly. 

"That's gotta hurt," Liz whispered. 

~ 

"I'm going to assume that you meant no ill will with that last comment, Jay," Abbey said, laughing. 

Jay suddenly looked flustered. 

"No, no. Of course I didn't…" 

"I believe you. But um, I've been doing all right. I'm kept plenty busy at the White House, you know. I don't just sit around in the Residence twiddling my thumbs all day. I'm in the Middle East, I'm in Argentina, I'm throwing big, fancy soirees, and I'm campaigning. Don't get me wrong. I'm a doctor without a license. It's not easy. Medicine has been my life for so long. And it still is. Nothing's changed, I haven't lost my passion. I'm just…taking a break," Abbey explained. 

"Are you planning to practice again after your stay in the White House is over?" 

"At the moment, yes. That's the plan. But things in my life are liable to change at the drop of a hat so…it could be a different story by then." 

"Meanwhile, there's another doctor in the family, isn't there? Your daughter Ellie?" Jay questioned. 

~ 

Zoey, Liz, and Mallory squealed excitedly at the mention of her name on national television and threw popcorn at Ellie, who laughed self-deprecatingly. 

~ 

"Almost. She's finishing up med school." 

"That's great. Congratulations." 

"Congratulate Ellie," Abbey told him. 

"Well, congratulations, Ellie!" Jay said into the camera. 

~ 

Zoey, Mallory, and Liz screamed like starstruck teenagers. Everyone gave her a quick applause, a whistle and a hoot. Ellie blushed. 

~ 

"We're very proud of her," Abbey said, then turned to the camera. 

"I love you, sweetheart!" She blew Ellie a kiss. 

~ 

Ellie blew a kiss back to the TV, which prompted a chorus of "Awww"'s from everyone else. Jed smiled with pride at the current of adoration passing between two of the most important people in his whole life. "That was sweet," Mallory commented. 

"Looks like Mrs. B hath redeemed herself," Sam added. 

"It certainly looks that way," Leo agreed. 

"Let's hope things continue like this," Toby said. 

~ 

Jay smiled. 

"All right, we're going to go to commercial. We'll back be in a few minutes with a great deal more of the First Lady." 


	11. Battle of the Sexy 11

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Eleven**

Josh immediately pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it open to call Amy, as Leo had requested he do earlier. 

"This is so fun. Abbey is just like…a roller coaster. Up, down, all over the place with this interview," Mallory commented. 

"Dad, why don't you call Mom while Josh is on the phone with Amy?" Liz suggested. 

Jed nodded. 

"Ok. Someone give me their cell phone." 

Zoey handed over hers and Jed dialed his wife's cell number. 

"Hey, Zoey," Abbey answered. 

"Hi, Mom," Jed said, laughing. 

"Oh! It's you. Sorry." She tensed up a little. She had no idea how he was going to react to the show so far. And since he was calling her, it probably wasn't good. 

"Where are you?" He asked. 

"At the hotel having dinner with Amy. She's on the phone with Josh." 

"Yeah, he's right here." 

"Figures." 

Everyone was waiting for Jed to ask her about the show, but he was hesitant. He wasn't angry, he was just a little confused. And he knew that if they talked about the show, he would come off as angry. 

"So when are you coming home?" Jed questioned. 

"Uh, I don't really know right now. I thought I might stay here a little while." 

Truthfully, she didn't want to return until the whole thing had blown over and the staff wasn't mad at her anymore. 

"Well, you should be back by the time the magazine poll results are announced." 

"Yeah, maybe," she said, quietly. 

Jed stood up and, to the shock of everyone else, left the room to stand just outside the doorway. Nobody followed him. It was apparent he needed a moment alone to speak with her. 

"I want you to come home," he said, with a desperate tone in his voice. 

"Jed…" 

"I know that if you stay there things will just get worse. There will be tension when you get back. Just come home now and get it over with. No one's mad at you. I'm not mad at you." 

Abbey laughed, sheepishly. 

"Yeah, but you haven't seen the whole show yet." 

"You mean it gets worse?" 

"Oh yeah. Way worse." 

"Elaborate," he said. 

"We're talking front page headlines worse." 

"Oh, God, Abbey. What did you do, flash the audience?" 

She did not reply. 

"Jesus Christ, tell me you didn't." 

 

Back inside the movie screening room… 

"Amy, tell me!" Josh was shouting into the phone. 

"No can do, boyfriend." 

"I swear to God, Amy, if I see Mrs. Bartlet's face on the cover of one single magazine tomorrow morning when I go get my coffee…you're fired." 

"Then I better start packing up my office," Amy replied. 

"Oh, God. Just when things were starting to get better. She was doing so well!" Josh moaned. 

"The First Lady's just like one big roller coaster, Josh." 

"That's what Mallory just said. Why the hell can't she just be like a ferris wheel? Round and round…no detours." 

"Because she wouldn't be the First Lady if she was like that," Amy answered, calmly. 

"Why is that?" 

"I personally can't see the President marrying a ferris wheel, can you?" 

"I guess not," he sighed. "But if only she were at least…the carousel or something." 

"Do me a favor and don't call me when the show's over, ok? Get drunk and wake up with a hangover so you don't remember a thing. That's my advice to you." 

"Dammit, Amy." 

"Say goodnight, Gracie." 

Josh groaned and reluctantly replied, "Goodnight, Gracie." 

Amy grinned and hung up the phone. Abbey, who had just finished her conversation as well, looked across the table at her Chief of Staff. 

"What's this about my husband marrying a ferris wheel?" Abbey asked. 

"Just a metaphor, ma'am," Amy replied. 

"I certainly hope so." 

~ 

Everyone looked from Josh to the President, as Jed returned to the room and sat down. 

"Well. What's the verdict?" Elizabeth asked. 

Neither Josh nor the President replied, they just looked at each other. 

"Did Amy warn you too?" Jed asked. 

"Yes, sir." 

"She wouldn't tell you what exactly happens in the next half hour of the show, huh?" 

"No, sir, she would not." 

"Me either." 

CJ immediately looked at Toby, shrugged her shoulders, and said, "We're screwed." 


	12. Battle of the Sexy 12

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Twelve**

"Welcome back. If you're just tuning in, we're talking with First Lady Abbey Bartlet and the conversation's been far from boring. During commercial, Abbey and I were discussing life in the White House. What do you miss most about living on your own?" 

"Privacy, hands down. Everything we do is scrutinized. I suppose I understand. I understand the public's need to be in sync with us. The thing is, they can't be. It's difficult to understand unless you're in, or have ever been in, my situation. Things are not always as they appear. In a photograph, if my husband isn't looking at me and smiling…suddenly our marriage is in trouble. Which couldn't be further from the truth. We live the same life as everyone else. Do you smile every second of the day? Neither do we, and we shouldn't have to create the illusion that we do. I miss being myself. Or at least, being myself without millions of eyes focused on me." 

"If your husband hadn't been elected President, where do you think you would be at this moment?" Jay asked. 

"At work. Spending time with my friends. I have…no friends anymore, Jay. I've got the White House staff and that's about it. And what a dismal bunch they are!" 

~ 

"Dismal!" Josh shouted. 

"Dismal?" CJ repeated. 

"Dismal," Toby said, nodding. 

~ 

"Dismal?" 

"Well, no, I mean…no. They're great. I love each and every one of them. But it's work, work, work for all of them. They don't sleep, they hardly ever go home. Only thing I've seen them do besides work is eat. They certainly do that." 

"So they're a pretty serious crew?" 

"Sure. They have very stressful jobs. It's only I think that, just once, I'd love to see one of them dancing around to Michael Jackson music, or lip-syncing a Joan Jett song." 

~ 

"Joan Jett?!" Josh cried. "She wants us to sing Joan Jett?" 

"Not in my job description," Toby said. 

"And she wants us to dance to the music of a molester. Perfect," Sam added. 

"Come on, guys. A little 'Thriller' wouldn't hurt," Liz said. 

"Beat it…beat it…" Zoey sang. Ellie, Liz, and Mallory joined her in song. 

~ 

"Do you listen to Joan Jett, Abbey?" Jay questioned, laughing. 

"I was her biggest fan in the '80s." 

"You're kidding." 

Abbey laughed. 

"Yeah, I'm kidding. But I did listen to her. Who didn't?" 

"So what are your tastes in music then?" He asked. 

"Oh, you know. My CD collection is all rap and R &B. Puff Diddy, Swoop Dogg, LL Cool G. I gots me all der albums, dawg. I be listening to 'em up in da White House all day yo." 

The audience roared with laughter, Jay included. 

"Yeah, you know it, chief. Fo' shiz," Abbey said, through fits of laughter. 

"Well, you've officially gotten the attention of everyone in Harlem!" Jay said. 

"Harlem? Bitch, please." 

~ 

"Dear God," Leo whispered. 

Zoey, Liz, and Mallory could not hold back their laughter. Ellie, however, joined the rest of the staff in their shock. 

"No wonder Amy kept her mouth shut about the rest of the show," Josh said. 

"This…is bad," CJ said. She couldn't bring herself to say anything else. 

"You said it, CJ," Sam said. 

"I don't know how we're going to get ourselves outta this one," Said Toby. 

"God, she is great," Jed said, with looked of delighted astonishment on his face. 

~ 

Once the uproarious laughter subsided, Jay continued with his interview. 

"Well, normally we don't do this, but this is a special occasion. Our audience members turned in some questions they'd like to ask you, during commercial. Do you mind answering a few questions?" 

~ 

"Yes, she does," Josh said. "She minds." 

"Don't do it, Abbey," Mallory said. 

"It's a trap!" Liz exclaimed, mockingly. 

"Don't drink the water!" Zoey added, laughing along with her oldest sister. 

"Don't eat the apple! It's poison!" Ellie added. 

"You guys don't seem to understand the severity of this situation," Sam began. "This is potentially dangerous." 

"Oh, hogwash," Mallory rolled her eyes. They continued laughing. 

"Leo, would you please tell them that this is potentially dangerous?" 

"This is potentially dangerous." 

The girls silenced themselves immediately. 

"Oh. Ok." 

Sam looked at them with disbelief. Mallory stuck her tongue out at him. 

Meanwhile, Jed was in his own little world. Just him and the TV. 

"Go ahead and answer their questions, honey. You've got nothing to hide," he whispered to the TV. 

~ 

"No, of course I don't mind. Ask away." 

"Ok. First question," Jay said, reading the first card in his hands. "What is your favorite room in the White House?" 

"The Oval Office- after dark." 

~ 

"Ok, I don't even wanna know what that means," Josh said. 

"Oh, you KNOW what it means," Sam said with a wink. 

"What I'm saying is, I don't WANT to." 

"From now on, we're keeping surveillance cameras in the Oval," Toby suggested. 

"What, so a security guard can steal a tape and suddenly we have a Paris Hilton-type scandal?!" CJ exclaimed. 

"That's not what I was talking about." 

"Apparently." 

"Guys, be quiet, will ya?" Charlie implored them. 

~ 

"Who is your favorite designer?" "My favorite designer? Oh, I love 'em all. Ralph Lauren, Versace, Valentino, Gucci…and I love my Manolos." 

"Who is your favorite actor?" 

"Oh, I cannot divulge such information. But I'll tell you this, as long as you keep quiet about it. His name begins with a John and ends with an Epp." 

~ 

"Dammit. Why did she have to go and a pick an actor who famously hates America?" Leo questioned with aggravation. 

"Maybe because he's gorgeous," CJ answered. 

"And sexy," Liz added. 

"And he dresses like a pirate," Zoey included with a childish grin. 

"And he has those brooding bedroom eyes," Mallory said. 

"And he's offbeat. Mom loves that," Ellie said. 

"Ok, gals, you're making me feel a little down on myself right now," Jed admitted, to their amusement. 

~ 

"What's your favorite television show?" 

"I find I don't really have much time to watch TV. But I do like 'Friends' and actually I like 'That 70's Show' a lot. Hilarious writing and acting on that show. 'Sex and the City' of course. Oh! And 'Will and Grace.' I LOVE 'Will and Grace.'" 

~ 

"Well, if the Democrats didn't already have the support of Gay America, now it's official," Sam commented. 

"And if the Republicans didn't already want to burn the White House with us in it, now it's official," CJ replied. 

~ 

"What's your favorite movie?" 

" _The American President_." 

Everyone laughed. "Really?!" Jay asked in disbelief. 

"Oh yeah. And it was even before Jed was elected. I love Michael Douglas…ohh dreamy. And I adore Annette Bening." 

~ 

"I think that might have been the first good answer we've heard all night," Sam said. 

"Mm hmm. Pitch perfect," CJ agreed. 

"Hold on, kids. She ain't done yet," Leo said, cautiously. 


	13. Battle of the Sexy 13

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**

My favorite part is when Michael tells Annette, before they go to bed together, that just because he's president doesn't mean he's exorbitantly skilled in THAT area, if you know what I mean. But really. I can't imagine Michael Douglas being bad in that area, and I've thought about it many times." 

~ 

"No," CJ said, under her breath. 

"No!" Josh shouted. 

"Dammit," Toby muttered. 

"Told ya," Leo said. 

"That just makes me look bad," Jed said. "And it doesn't make me feel so hot either." 

Elizabeth laughed wickedly. 

"She's just getting started with these questions, baby." 

~ 

"Ooh. This one's getting personal," Jay announced, looking at the next question. 

"Eh, try me." 

"How old were you when you had your first kiss and who gave it to you?" 

"Fourteen. His name was Tom Victoria. Really. Victoria was his last name. I was mad about him in junior high. He was so…rugged and old-fashioned. Wonder where he is now…probably on a ranch in Stockton, California, happily married with four kids." 

Jay laughed. 

"That's very…creative of you. Next question. What's your favorite color?" 

Abbey giggled. 

"What's my favorite color? I love this audience! Um, my favorite color. I guess I'd have to say a tie between pink and green." 

"I gotta say, Abbey, you continue to surprise me," Jay commented. 

"Yeah, I get that a lot." She winked at him. 

"Ok, what's your favorite thing about being First Lady?" 

"The ball gowns, naturally," she replied, facetiously. 

"If you could change one thing about the White House, what would it be?" 

"I would move it to New Hampshire." 

"What's your favorite song?" 

"Oh, these questions just keep getting better and better. I have a lot of favorite songs. Kind of corny, actually. Let's see. Well, there's 'I'll Stand By You' by the Pretenders, 'The Way You Look Tonight' by Frank Sinatra, and…I have a strange obsession with Joan Jett's 'I Hate Myself for Loving You.'" 

~ 

"That's quite a wide range of tastes she's got there," Sam stated with amusement. 

"Roller coaster, Sam," Mallory reminded him. 

"Yeah, yeah." 

~ 

"All right, back to the personal questions, and we will not be offended if you plead the fifth on any of these," Jay said. 

"Try me," Abbey challenged. 

"What is your favorite thing about the President?" 

"As President or as my husband?" 

Jay looked down at the card. 

"Doesn't say. Give us both." 

"As President, my husband is undoubtedly one of the best in history. I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. He is strong, extremely capable, and fair. The truth is, he amazes me. I really don't tell him that enough." 

~ 

"Good call, Abbey," Leo whispered to the TV. 

"Aww. Did you hear that, Dad?" Zoey asked. 

Jed smiled and nodded. 

~ 

"As my husband, however it's a different story." 

~ 

"Oh, no," Josh sighed. 

"She should just plead the fifth!" Toby said. 

"Give her a chance, guys, will ya?!" CJ said. 

They nodded reluctantly. 

~ 

"While my husband is one of the best presidents in history, he has outdone himself by being THE best husband in history." 

~ 

The staffers breathed a sigh of relief, as did Jed. 

"Love that roller coaster," Sam said, flashing a grin at Mallory. 

~ 

"What would you say are some of his best qualities, as your husband?" Jay asked. 

"Oh, Lord, don't get me started. He cares. I think that's the biggest thing. There has never been a moment in our marriage where I doubted that he legitimately cared about me. That's a big thing. He's understanding and patient, most of the time, though he does have his moments." 

"For instance?" 

"When we're getting ready for bed," Abbey replied, with a laugh. The audience joined her laughter. 

~ 

Back at the White House, even the staffers were laughing at that. Even Doug and Andy managed a smirk. The immediate Bartlet family, however, was not half as amused. 

"Why must she say things that like, Dad? Why?!" Ellie said, with a sigh. 

"Sexual innuendo galore," Liz said. 

"She must be stopped!" Zoey said with mock conviction. 

The staffers burst out laughing. 

~ 

"But in all seriousness, he's the best husband I could ask for. He puts up with me, and that's no small accomplishment. Let's face it, I'm not the easiest person to live with-especially when we're living in the White House. I don't cooperate with the staffers, I do my own thing. Jed is frustrated with me much of the time. But he hasn't given up on me yet, and for that I am eternally grateful to him." 

"Sounds like a good answer to me," Jay commented. 

"I hope it satisfies the senior staff," Abbey laughed. 

"Now, Abbey, your tempestuous personality is well-known, as are the stormy arguments between you and the President. Do you have anything to say about that on your behalf?" 

"Not really. I'm tempestuous, it's true. I'm passionate. I don't like to be handled. My husband, like me, is extremely stubborn and opinionated. Thus, we fight hard. But we love harder. Our arguments don't phase anyone at the White House, because they know, as we do, that nothing could tear us apart completely. Sometimes we hit a rough patch or two, love always finds a way. Corny as that sounds, it's the truth." 

~ 

"Well done, Mrs. B!" Josh exclaimed with a whistle. 

They all cheered. 

"See? And you didn't have any faith in my wife," Jed said. 

"She proved us wrong, sir," Sam said. 

"Though she did have us going there for awhile," CJ added. 

"Thank God she bounced back," Toby agreed. 

"But what's next?" Leo asked, cynically. 


	14. Battle of the Sexy 14

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Fourteen**

"Ok, we're gonna take another break. When we come back, if I can talk Mrs. Bartlet into it, we'll have a little surprise for you." 

~ 

"Oh, no. What is she gonna do?" Sam said, nervously running his fingers through his hair. 

"What more CAN she do?" Josh asked. 

"She's definitely got something up her sleeve," Leo agreed. 

"I think someone you should call Amy again, Josh," CJ suggested. 

Josh shook his head fervently. 

"You call Amy! I'm not calling Amy again." 

"Mr. President?" 

Jed looked up, having been in a daze. 

"Hmm?" 

"Would you like to call Mrs. Bartlet?" 

"Mmm…not really, CJ, no." 

"Dad, just call her," Liz said. 

"She's not going to tell me, guys. She's going to get all nervous and flustered, then make an excuse to hang up. No point in trying," Jed argued. 

"Then I guess we'll just have to suffer through the suspense," Toby said. 

"Any guesses?" Josh said. 

"I don't even want to guess," Charlie said. 

"It could be nothing. Maybe we're getting ourselves worked up for nothing," Ellie said. 

They all stared at her. 

"Or maybe not," she amended. 

"Ten bucks says she flashes the audience," Sam said. 

"Sam!" 

"Sorry, it was the first thought that came to my head." 

"Sam!" 

"Ooh, there I go. I apologize. Merely wishful thinking." 

"Keep digging yourself deeper into that hole, buddy," Jed said. 

"I beg your pardon, Mr. President." 

"Mmm hmm. Watch yourself, cowboy, you're in the presence of greatness." 

"Really. Who?" 

"That's it," Jed said, with a sigh. "Get him outta here." 

~ 

When the show returned, the camera focused on Jay at his desk. 

"And we're back, you're watching _The Tonight Show_. I'm Jay Leno and for the past half an hour or so, we've been talking with a very special guest-the First Lady of the United States. FLOTUS, is it? If you're just tuning in, not long ago, we were discussing her very varied musical interests. Now, due to Mrs. Bartlet's hour-long appearance, we found ourselves without a musical guest. Mrs. Bartlet has decided she feels guilty and would like to make up for that." 

~ 

CJ's hand involuntarily moved to cover her open mouth. 

"She wouldn't," Josh whispered. 

"I think she would," Sam disagreed. 

"No. She couldn't," Toby said. 

"I think she could," Charlie said. 

"But…will she?" 


	15. Battle of the Sexy 15

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Fifteen**

"We won't keep you waiting any longer. Ladies and gentleman, the First Lady of the United States! 

The camera shifted to the left of the soundstage, where Abbey stood in front of a microphone waiting. When the music began to play, it was an all too familiar tune. While the staffers dreaded the moment she'd open her mouth, Abbey couldn't wait to let herself go. Four years of suppressed behavior, holding her tongue, waiting in the shadows, and being forced to conform to American society's design of the ideal First Lady. Now, with the magazine poll, she was finally starting to get some kind of recognition. She wasn't just the President's wife, the White House hostess, the doctor without a license-she was her own person. She had been completely honest with Jay Leno, possibly more honest than she should have been, and this was the perfect way to top it all off. After all, if she was going to get the senior staff pissed at her, she might as well take it to the limit.  
As Abbey began to sing along with the music, her voice taking the place of Joan Jett's, she actually felt rebellious. She had been told numerous times that she was rebellious, non-conforming, and far from the typical stereotype of the First Lady. But until this moment, she had never felt it. This was her moment of glory… 

> _Midnight gettin' uptight, where are you? You said you'd meet me now it's quarter to two I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you…_

~ 

"I…I…well, I'm speechless," Josh said. "Then shut up!" 

~ 

> _Hey Jack- It's a fact, they're talkin' in town I turn my back and you're messin' around I'm not really jealous, don't like lookin' like a clown…_

~ 

"This is going to be on the cover of every newspaper and magazine in the country. Top story on all the morning shows. We might as well not even be running for re-election," Sam commented. 

"Shut UP, Sam!" 

~ 

> _I think of you ev'ry night and day You took my heart then you took my pride away…_

~ 

"I'm wondering if this song is directed towards anyone…" Liz said, sending a smirk in her father's direction. 

~ 

> _I hate myself for loving you Can't break free from the things that you do I wanna walk but I run back to you, that's why I hate myself for loving you_

~ 

"Can I just say…this performance would be a helluvalot better if Mrs. Bartlet actually had any singing talent," Sam said. 

"Can it, Sam," Mallory ordered. 

"Yes, ma'am." 

~ 

> _Daylight, spent the night without you But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through…_

~ 

"Sir, is there something we should know?" Josh asked, amused. 

"Didn't Mallory tell you to can it?!" Jed replied. 

"She told Sam, sir." 

"Mallory," Jed said, the look on his face telling her exactly what to do. 

"Can it, Josh." 

"Thank you, Mallory." 

"Anytime, sir." 

~ 

> _Hey man, betcha you can treat me right You just don't know what you was missin' last night I wanna see you beggin, say forget it- just for spite_

~

The staffers noticed a pained look on the President's face after the last line. 

"This happen to you often, sir?" Sam asked, suppressing his laughter. 

"Sam, didn't my daughter ask you to can it?" Leo asked, with warning in his voice. 

"More like told me to can it." 

"I suggest you take her advice, she's a smart girl." 

Mallory grinned coyly at Sam and laughed wickedly. 

~ 

> _I hate myself for loving you Can't break free from the the things that you do I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why I hate myself for loving you I hate myself for loving you I hate myself for loving you_

The music stopped, and Abbey smiled shyly as the audience roared with applause and standing ovations. 

~ 

"Oh my God," Toby said. 

"They liked it!" CJ exclaimed. 

"Of course they liked it. It's the First Lady in Bad Ass Mode, what's not to like?" Josh replied, sarcastically. 

~ 

"Thank you!" Abbey shouted out to the audience. "Wow. Thank you so much." 

~ 

"Mr. President," Leo said. 

"Yeah." Jed managed to tear his eyes off the screen for a moment. 

"Call her." 

He shook his head. 

"I'm not calling her, Leo." 

"Call her." 

"And say what? 'Nice performance on _The Tonight Show_ , hon, but I really don't think you've embarrassed yourself enough, so I think we should book you a spot on Letterman.'" 

"Jed, she didn't embarrass herself! Look at the TV!" 

Leo was right. The audience was still going wild. 

"Sir, twisted as this may sound…I think this might have been just what the doctor ordered," CJ said. 

"No pun intended," Sam added. 

"Yeah, she's gonna win this thing for sure," Josh said. 

"I think we oughtta get her a photo shoot," Toby said quietly. 

They all turned to look at him. 

"What?!" 

"With the magazine." 

"It's _Time_ magazine, Toby, they don't do glamour shots," Leo replied. 

"Bet they would if the order came from the Commander-in-Chief of the United States." 

"Nah, Abbey's never going to do a photo layout in any magazine," Jed argued. 

"Sir…I think you should have another look at the TV," Charlie suggested. 

Abbey was obviously basking in the glow of the audience, grinning and waving. 

"As excellent a First Lady as she is, I don't think she's ever enjoyed it as much as she is right now," Toby pointed out. 

"Or at all," Josh said. 

"Right." 

"Toby's right, I think we should take advantage of this opportunity," CJ agreed. 

"Yeah, gotta strike the iron while it's hot," Josh said. 

"No pun intended yet again," Sam said. 

Leo looked at the President. 

"Call her." 


	16. Battle of the Sexy 16

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Sixteen**

When Jed reluctantly agreed to call his wife, he went into the Oval Office to make the call. As he dialed her number, he tried to think of things to say to her. Then he remembered that mapping out a conversation with Abbey was like mapping out the course of a tornado- it couldn't be done. Like the aforementioned tornado, Abbey Bartlet was unpredictable, full of twists and turns, all uncontrollable. 

"Hello." 

"Hey." 

"Hi." 

Neither of them spoke for nearly thirty seconds- what must have been a record for the two of them. 

"Abbey…"

"Show's over, huh?" 

"Yeah." 

"Leo wants to lock me in a dungeon somewhere, doesn't he?" Abbey asked. 

"As Charlie once reminded me, we don't have a dungeon. Though I'm fairly certain that if we did, Leo would have locked you down there years ago." 

Abbey nodded. 

"You know, I can't see you when you nod like that," Jed said. 

She smiled in spite of herself. 

"But you knew anyway." 

"I know you." 

Thoughtfully, she nodded once more. 

"Again with the silent nodding," Jed said. 

"Again with the freakish psychic thing." 

"Thirty-five years of marriage and I'm not allowed to know my wife inside and out without being mocked?" 

"You're avoiding confrontation. You didn't want to call me," Abbey stated. 

"Untrue. I most certainly did want to call you." 

"Jed, I just spoke to Ellie. She said you didn't want to call me." 

"You have turned our children into spies that work against me. You should be ashamed of yourself," he replied. 

"You're doing it again." 

"What do you want me to say, Abbey?" He questioned. "You just went on the Tonight Show. You swore, you were sarcastic, you were suggestive, you revealed things perhaps you shouldn't have, and you rocked out to Joan Jett." 

Abbey giggled- she couldn't help it. 

"What are you laughing about?!" 

"Nothing. I rocked out, what's to laugh about?" 

"Hey, kids say that nowadays," Jed replied, defensively. 

"Yes, kids do. Not the President of the United States, who is far from being a kid himself." 

"Now who's avoiding confrontation?" 

She gasped. 

"I am not! I'm not embarrassed of what I did. In fact, I'd do it again given the chance." 

"Oh, you would, would you?" 

"Yes!" 

"No, you wouldn't. If you had the chance again, Leo would see to it that he built a dungeon and locked you in it first." 

"And what would you do?" Abbey questioned. 

"Well, I'd want to be in the audience of course. Live from NBC Studios-Abbey Bartlet, in concert!" 

"You're hilarious, Jed," she replied, blandly. 

"Well, I thought I was until just now apparently." 

"Just tell me who's angry with me and who isn't." 

"No one is angry with you." 

"Cut the crap and tell me." 

"No one is angry with you, Abigail," Jed repeated. 

"Really?" She asked, quietly. 

"Yes, really. In fact, they want you to keep doing what you're doing." 

"Which is?" 

"Promoting yourself." 

"I'm not a hooker, Jed." 

"I think that outfit you borrowed from Amy begs to differ." 

"I thought you guys would like that outfit! It was very…patriotic." 

"Yeah, for a teenager it's patriotic. For the First Lady of the United States, it's pure prostitution," Jed answered. 

Abbey sighed. 

"What exactly do they want me to do?" 

"A photo shoot." 

"A what! Photo shoot!" 

"With _Time_ magazine." 

" _Time_ magazine doesn't do photo shoots. It's not _Cosmopolitan_."

"They'll do a photo shoot if you want to do one. Leo thinks it'd be good," Jed said. 

"Leo does?" 

"And Toby, and Sam, and Josh, and CJ." 

"But…why?" 

"They all want you to kick the crap out of Jackie Kennedy. As do I, for that matter." 

"That's quite a risk, you know. It could blow up in our faces," Abbey warned. 

"Yeah, well, it's a sacrifice we're willing to make." 

"You really want a glossy layout of me in a magazine?" 

"Not really. But the staff think it'll be a good idea, and I trust them." 

"You know what men do with magazines, don't you?" 

"Abbey." 

"I'm just saying, it's quite possible that I could be the…"

"Oook, moving on." 

"…next Playboy Bunny." 

Jed cleared his throat. 

"Jed?" 

"Sorry, I was just picturing that and I got distracted." 

"Well, I'll see what I can do when I get back to Washington." 

"Careful, Sweet Knees. This phone line may be wired." 

"I'm leaving in the morning." 

"Ok. Abbey?" 

"Yeah." 

"That song wasn't directed towards me, was it?" He asked. 

She grinned and nodded silently. 

"You just nodded again, didn't you?" 

She nodded again. 

"Abbey!" 

"Goodnight, Jed." 

He laughed. 

"See ya tomorrow." 


	17. Battle of the Sexy 17

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Seventeen**

The next morning, as CJ walked briskly to the briefing room, her heart was beating a million miles a minute and she couldn't slow it down. She knew this was going to be one of the craziest briefings of her life. The moment she walked into the room, numerous shouting reporters ambushed her. 

"All right, all right. Settle down and have a seat," she told them, taking her place at the podium. 

"Since there really is no way to brief on this event, we're just gonna skip right to the questions." 

They all began shouting out her name. 

"Katie." 

"CJ, was the First Lady's performance on _The Tonight Show_ planned or rehearsed in any way?" 

"Not to my knowledge, no. It was not." 

"Any thoughts on how this will affect the President's re-election campaign?" 

"We don't expect it to be affected in any way," CJ replied. 

"How did the President react to the show?" 

"He was surprised. Wouldn't you be?" 

"So the President had no indication that the First Lady was going to behave as she did?" 

"No. They hadn't discussed it." 

"CJ, was the First Lady's guest spot on the show done to improve her chances of winning the _Time_ magazine poll?" 

"No." 

"Who's idea was it?" 

"It was Leo's, and mine. We thought it would be a good idea to show the public the real Abbey Bartlet." 

"And was that the real Abbey Bartlet we saw last night?" 

"To an extent, yes. Though, of course, there is much more to her." 

"Any comment on the Mrs. Bartlet's constant innuendo last night?" 

"Innuendo?" CJ repeated. 

"I'm sorry, sexual innuendo." 

"Oh. Nothing except to say that the Bartlets are very frank, open people. They also have a very…adult sense of humor. They like to keep people on their toes." 

"Is there any truth to the implication of amorous activity in the Oval Office?" 

"I really wouldn't know. And I don't plan on finding out." 

"And what of Mrs. Bartlet's choice of song?" 

"It was spontaneous. Mrs. Bartlet has an…admiration for Joan Jett and apparently the song is one of her favorites." 

"Was the song directed at the President?" 

"I don't see why it would be, no. I'm fairly certain the First Lady does not hate herself for loving the President." 

"When is the First Lady returning to Washington?" 

"She should be back in about an hour or so." 

"What are her plans now?" 

"We're working on getting her a photo layout with _Time_ magazine. Ok, that's all for now, guys." 

Despite the reporters still shouting out her name, CJ exited the briefing room feeling energized. It went much better than she expected. But soon, she would have to discuss the situation with the First Lady for the next briefing, and she really wasn't looking forward to it. 

** 

The moment the doors flung open and Abbey Bartlet entered the White House once again, all activity seemed to cease. Amy followed close behind her as she quickly walked through the halls of the West Wing. They walked past various White House employees, most of whom sported looks of either apprehension or embarrassment. Feeling self-conscious for the first time in ages, Abbey slung her arm through Amy's and moved closer to her as they continued their journey toward the Oval Office. They stopped in front of the desks of Charlie and Debbie, who both stood the moment she appeared. 

"Good afternoon, ma'am," Charlie said. 

"Welcome home, Mrs. Bartlet," Debbie said, warmly. 

"Thank you, Debbie. Is my husband in?" 

"Oh, sure. Go on in." 

"Ma'am, the senior staff is in with him. They're expecting you," Charlie said. 

"They're expecting me?" Abbey looked at Amy nervously. 

"Don't worry, honey. If it makes any difference, I thought you were great last night!" Debbie said, enthusiastically. 

"I appreciate that, Debbie." 

"Really, I was cheering you on. I'd have done the same thing in your position. Might have chosen a different song but…"

"Debbie," Charlie admonished. 

"Oh, I'm rambling again, aren't I?" 

"Yeah. You can go on in, Mrs. Bartlet." 

Abbey nodded. 

"Thanks." 

When Abbey didn't move, Amy pulled on her arm, which was linked to hers. 

"Ma'am." 

"What? Oh. Yes." 

Amy pulled her over to the door and knocked on it. 

"Come in!" 

They walked into the Oval Office to find the entire senior staff sitting on the couches and the President sitting in his usual chair. 

"Welcome back, Mrs. Bartlet!" 

When Jed stood and began walking towards them, Amy unhooked her arm from Abbey's and quickly moved to sit beside Josh. 

"Hey," Jed greeted, leaning in to kiss her. 

She shook him off, and cocked her head to one side, gesturing toward the watching staff. He nodded and led her over to the chair next to his before sitting down in his own. 

"Ok, lay it on me," Abbey said. "I want nothing left unsaid. Hit me." 

"Mrs. Bartlet, are you under the impression we're upset with you?" CJ asked. 

"Well, yeah! Aren't you?" 

"No, ma'am, we're not," Toby answered. 

"Oh." 

"See? I told you," Jed said. 

"How are our numbers?" Abbey asked. 

"They're good, Abbey," Leo replied. "Very good." 

"Really?" She was shocked. 

"You're polling at an unprecedented 71% and the President's at 57%."

"Oh, wow." 

"Mrs. Bartlet, I don't know what the President has told you thus far, but we'd like to take this a little further. We have a few days left before the poll ends. We want to experiment a little," Josh stated. 

"And you want me to do a photo shoot," Abbey said. 

"That's right," Toby replied. 

"And this will all be done in time for the poll results?" 

"No. That's the problem. The shoot itself probably won't help your chances of winning, because the layout would have to be published in the issue wherein the results are announced. But once the press gets wind of the fact that you're doing a photo shoot to begin with…that'll help." 

"Do you think I need help?" Abbey questioned, honestly. 

"No, ma'am, we don't," Amy said. "But it can't hurt." 

"What do you think?" Abbey asked her husband. 

"I'm all for it. No qualms here. Whatever you want to do," Jed responded. 

Abbey sighed in concession. 

"What kind of photo shoot?" 

Everyone grinned and soon the whole office broke into applause. 

"You're not gonna regret this, Abbey," Leo said. 

"I better not. Or I'll make you regret it too." 

"Fair enough." 

"I'll call _Time_ ," Toby offered. 

"I'm proud of you, Mrs B.," Sam said. 

"Yeah, good call there," CJ agreed. 

"Uh huh. Amy," Abbey said. 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Let's go." 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"We've got a lot of planning to do." 


	18. Battle of the Sexy 18

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Eighteen**

Mid-afternoon the next day, CJ was in her office doing some last minute preparations for her briefing. There was a knock on the door and Carol popped her head in. 

"CJ?" 

"Yeah," CJ replied, barely looking up from her desk. 

"The First Lady's on line one from the Residence for you." 

"The First Lady?" 

"Yeah." 

"Ok. Thank you." 

CJ moved her papers aside and picked up the phone. 

"Mrs. Bartlet, hi." 

"Hi. You busy?' 

"Well, I have a briefing in half an hour," CJ answered. 

"Could you do me a favor please?" 

"I'll certainly do my best. What can I do for you?" 

"Get your ass up here please," Abbey demanded. 

"I beg your pardon, ma'am?" 

"The photographers just arrived from _Time_ magazine." 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"I can't do this alone," Abbey said, sounding very panicked. 

"Amy's with you, isn't she?" 

"This is gonna take more than just Amy." 

"Mrs. Bartlet, are you all right? You don't sound so good." 

"I've never done a magazine layout before, CJ! I'm not a movie star!" 

CJ chuckled. 

"You might as well be." 

"I'm serious!" 

"You have people taking your picture every day. This is exactly like that." 

"Oh, no it's not. Please come up here. I'm begging you." 

"I only have a half an hour, ma'am." 

"CJ." 

"Yes, ma'am. I'll be right up." 

"Thank you. Oh, and CJ?" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"See if you can bring Donna with you, would you please?" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

** 

When CJ and Donna arrived in the Residence, they were shocked by the amount of people and cameras crowded in the main room. CJ tapped one of the cameramen on the shoulder. 

"Excuse me, where can I find the First Lady?" 

"She's in her bedroom, I think." 

"Thank you." 

"Hey, you CJ Cregg?" 

"Yes." 

"Love your show." 

"I'm sorry?" 

"On TV," he said. 

"I don't…have a show," CJ replied, with confusion. 

"Yeah, you know, where you stand at the podium, with that presidential seal thing behind you." 

"My press briefings." 

"Yeah, those are great." 

"Well…thank you. If you just…excuse me…thanks." 

She grabbed Donna's arm and pulled her into the bedroom, shutting the door tightly behind her. 

"Mrs. Bartlet?!" CJ called out. 

Abbey came out of the bathroom, with her face covered with green face cream, her hair in curlers, wearing a bathrobe. 

"Thank God you're here! Oh, and you brought Donna." 

"Where's Amy?" 

"Negotiating with the photo editor, or something. Come on into the bathroom with me." 

CJ and Donna followed Abbey into the large bathroom, where she sat in front of the mirror, listlessly. 

"I don't know what to do. I can't do this," Abbey admitted. 

"Well, first of all…" Donna began. 

"What?" 

"Actually, can I ask…are you the First Lady or Abbey right now?" 

"I'm Abbey!" 

"Ok, you need to take those curlers out of your hair," Donna said. 

"You think so?" 

"Absolutely. CJ." 

"Right." 

Donna and CJ began frantically taking the curlers out of Abbey's hair, then they brushed out the curls that had already begun to form. 

"Your hair looks better straight," Donna said. 

"But not too straight," CJ added. 

"Right." 

"Ok…hold on, let me wash this damn cream off my face." 

Abbey walked over to the sink, and Amy popped her head in the door. 

"Abbey, how much longer are you going to need?" Amy asked. 

"I don't know," Abbey replied, splashing her face with water. "Ask them." 

Amy looked at Donna and CJ. 

"We're gonna get her makeup done, then she'll get dressed and…" 

"No! Wait a second, I don't have an outfit picked up," Abbey said. 

"They've got outfits for you," Amy pointed out. 

"They do? Will I like them?" 

"I think so." 

"How many times am I going to have to change my clothes for this shoot?" 

"I believe they had…six outfits laid out." 

"Six?! Oh, God." 

"This is going to be one helluva layout," CJ said. 

"Yeah, and won't it be a hoot if I don't win after all?" 

"They'll still publish the layout," Amy said. 

"Gee, that's great. Get back out there." 

"Yes, ma'am!" She agreed, exiting the room and closing the door. 

Abbey sat back down in her chair in front of the mirror. 

"Ok, girls, make me beautiful." 

"That shouldn't be hard, Mrs. Bartlet," Donna said. 

"Abbey." 

"Abbey. Sorry, it's just…it's difficult." 

"I know, but get used to it. Today, you're just one of the girls, honey," Abbey said. 

"I'm gonna call Carol and have her reschedule my briefing," CJ said. 

"Good call, CJ. Donna, let's get started." 

** 

Fifteen minutes later, Donna had completed Abbey's makeup. She looked perfect. CJ just had stood idly by and watched, herself not being the greatest beautician as it was. 

"Abbey, you look stunning," CJ commented. 

"I must say, Donna, you're very talented. I don't know why the hell you work for Josh. You'd probably make more money working at a beauty parlor," Abbey said. 

Donna laughed, but she had to agree. 

"That's probably true. But then, I could make more money working at a gas station." 

Abbey laughed. 

"AMY!" She shouted. 

The door opened and Amy popped her head in again. 

"Yes, ma'am." 

"Get the first of those dresses in here so I can change and tell the crew I'll be ready in a just a few minutes." 

"Yes, ma'am!" 

"CJ, does the press know about this?" 

"Yeah. Why?" 

"So I guess it's too late to back out now, huh?" Abbey said. 

"I'd say so, yes." 

"Damn. Ok." 

"Abbey, all you have to do is pose and smile. And you're no stranger to photographers." 

"Well, I've never had to do anything…staged like this. Everything else…that's just candids." 

Amy re-entered the room carrying one of the dresses, then handed it to Abbey. 

"Ok, we're gonna get out of here to you can change," CJ said. 

"Thanks, girls." 

"No problem. We'll be just outside." 

CJ, Donna, and Amy stood in Abbey's bedroom, waiting as she changed in the bathroom. Then, CJ's cell phone rang and startled them all. 

"Yeah? Ok…why? Yeah, all right. I'll tell her. Jesus Christ, this is gonna be bad. Yeah. There's no way you can keep him down there? Fine. Ok. Thanks." 

She flipped her phone shut and looked at the girls nervously. Then, Abbey emerged from the bathroom, looking stunning in a shimmery, strapless light blue gown. 

"Wow," Donna whispered. 

"You look amazing," Amy said, in awe. 

Abbey grinned. 

"Thank you very much, ladies. CJ?" 

"Oh, I agree. But um…I'm afraid I have some not-so-good news." 

"The shoot's canceled? Oh, thank God." 

"No, not quite. Uh, well, I just got off the phone with Charlie. There's been a cancellation in the President's schedule. And he's coming up here." 

"What?!" 

"Well, it seems the President…would like to watch." 


	19. Battle of the Sexy 19

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Nineteen**

"Ok, Mrs. Bartlet, if you'll just go over and sit on the couch. Right there. Oh, that's great, thanks," the photographer, Hank, directed her. 

"Is that ok?" Abbey asked, laying across the couch. 

"That's perfect! Let's do one with a smile, then we'll do a pout, how's that?" 

"Oh,um….ok." 

The camera began clicking away, Hank turning it at different angles. 

"Beautiful! That's beautiful. Do that again. Love it, love it. One more time! Fantastic! Now just tilt your head a little to the left. Excellent. Oh, that gorgeous! Gorgeous. Ok." 

He put his camera down. 

"That was great, Mrs. Bartlet. Ms. Gardner's got your next dress, if you wanna go ahead and change into that." 

"Sure." 

Abbey walked into her bedroom, only to be startled by her husband sitting on their bed, waiting for her. 

"Trying to give me a heart attack?" Abbey accused. 

"Me? You could give any red-blooded man a heart attack in that dress!" 

"I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered." 

"Flattered, I assure you." 

"Jed, what the hell are you doing here?" 

"Didn't CJ tell you I was coming? Damnit, I told Charlie to call her and…"

"No, she told me. But I'm still not sure what the hell you're doing here." 

"I want to watch!" Jed said. 

"No, you want to supervise." 

"I never said…"

"Jed." 

"All right, I want to supervise." 

"Jed, you promised me you were comfortable with this," Abbey said. 

"I am! I'd just prefer to be present while it's happening." 

"You're so full of shit." 

"That's not very nice." 

"Did Amy leave my dress?" Abbey asked. 

"It's in the bathroom." 

"Ok. Go back to the office." 

"I'm not going back to the office, Abbey." 

"Go back to the office, Jed." 

"No!" 

"What are you, five? Go!" 

"I'm not going. In fact, I'm going to go have a word with the photographer right now," Jed said. 

"Jed!" 

"See ya later, Sweet Knees. Come out wearing something pretty." He winked at her. 

"Goddamnit!" 

** 

Ten minutes later, Abbey still hadn't come out. Jed went into the bedroom, then stood in front of the bathroom door and knocked. 

"Abbey?" 

"Go away, jackass." 

He grinned. 

"You ready for another round?" 

"I'm not coming out until you leave," Abbey said. 

"Why not?" 

"Because you're going to embarrass me!" 

"I'm your husband, Abbey, not your father." 

"Yeah? 'Cause you can't really tell the difference." 

"Wow. Comparing me to your father. That's low," Jed said. 

"Well, when you get protective like this, it's true." 

"Come on, I'll behave like a good little boy. Just come out." 

"Not if you're going to treat me like a child." 

"Come out here." 

The door opened and Abbey slowly stepped out, wearing her next dress, which was cocktail-style this time. The black, spaghetti strap dress barely reached her knees. And with her hair swept up off her neck in a clip, she looked absolutely radiant. 

"God, Abbey, I don't think anyone could treat you like a child in that dress." 

She sighed. 

"This is why I didn't want you here." 

Jed looked at her incredulously. 

"I've seen you in a lot less than that, Abbey." 

"That's not what I mean and you know it. You're going to be doing a running commentary throughout the entire shoot. Directing me, criticizing the photographer, objecting to things…"

"I promise I will do no such thing," Jed promised. 

"We both know you're incapable of such a promise." 

"Abbey. Come on, Hank's getting restless." 

She laughed. 

"Ok. But you are to be on your best behavior, Jethro." 

She took his arm and he lead her out of the bedroom. They walked past an agent and heard him whisper, "Eagle and Secret Cervix are moving." 

Abbey did a double take. 

"What did he just say?" 

"Eagle's moving. My code name," Jed answered, nonchalantly. 

"No, what did he call me?" 

"Mmm, I don't know, I wasn't listening." 

"Jed!" 

"He called you Secret Cervix, ok?!" 

"Oh, my God!" Abbey's jaw dropped. "Are you kidding me?" 

Jed shook his head. 

"Zoey gets Bookbag and I get Secret Cervix?!" 

"Hey, I didn't come up with it." 

"But you knew about it." 

"Yes, I did." 

"Well. Why doesn't the entire country just call me that too?!" 

"They do," Jed whispered. 

"What?!" 

"They do." 

"What do you mean, they do?" 

"They do!" 

"The entire country refers to me as Secret Cervix?" 

"Not in the White House they don't," Jed replied. 

"But outside the White House?" 

"That's what I hear." 

"Dear Lord. How, pray tell, did this nickname get to be bestowed on me?" 

"Couldn't tell ya. But I think it's catchy. I might start calling you that too. Just for the turn-on." 

"Jed!" 

"Mrs. Bartlet!" Hank called, moseying toward the First Couple. "We're ready for you. Come, come. You look stunning, by the way, absolutely breathtaking." 

That took her mind off it. She grinned. And Jed stared him down. 

"Why, thank you, Hank. How nice of you to say." 

Abbey moved away from Jed and hooked her arm through Hank's, leaving Jed to walk behind them. 

"My pleasure, ma'am. Now, we thought we could do the next shoot in the dining room." 

"Sure." 

"We just think it could be wonderfully with that stunning ensemble you have on." 

"I absolutely agree." 

"And we thought the next one, we could do in the bedroom. Thoughts on this?" 

"No way!" Jed called from behind them. 

"Well, what's the next outfit?" Abbey asked. 

"It's…something a little more casual." 

"Casual?" Abbey repeated. 

"He means sexy!" Jed exclaimed. 

"Shush, Jed. Casual?" 

"Yes, ma'am. It's nothing you should be uncomfortable wearing." 

"Oh, no, I'm sure she'll be VERY comfortable," Jed said, sarcastically. 

"Jed!" Abbey turned back to Hank. "What is it, exactly?" 

"I bet it's from Victoria's Secret!" Jed called again. 

"Jed, I swear to God, if you don't can it…" 

The team of assistant photographers all broke down in laughter. They had never seen anyone talk to the President, any president, that way. Jed held up his hands in surrender. 

"Thank you. Now, Hank…I'm not sure I'm following all of this." 

"Ok, that's fine, Mrs. Bartlet. If you don't want to do it, that's perfectly all right. I, for one, think your sex appeal is just as apparent in a dress like you're wearing now." 

"Sex appeal?" Abbey repeated. 

"SEX APPEAL?!" Jed shouted. 

"Ok. Guys!" Hank bellowed. "Cross off the bedroom shoot, will ya? The First Lady's not comfortable with it!" 

"Oh, I'm comfortable with it. I don't think my husband is, however." 

"The President's not comfortable with it!" Hank corrected. 

"Let me ask you something, Hank. The results from the poll are already in, right?" Jed asked. 

"Yes, sir, as far as I know." 

"Have you been given any indication as to who the winner is?" 

"No, sir. They don't fill me in on such things. I'm a photographer," Hank replied. 

"Yeah, but you don't think this is why they sent you to make such a fuss?" 

"I really don't know, sir." 

"Let me ask you something else. Who did you vote for?" 

"Jed, he doesn't have to tell you that!" Abbey said. 

"I voted for Mrs. Bartlet, sir." 

"Are you just saying that so I don't kick your ass?" 

"Jed, for crying out loud…"

Hank laughed. 

"No, sir. I'd choose the First Lady over Jackie Kennedy any day." 

"Yeah? Why's that?" 

"Well, for one thing, the First Lady is alive." 

Jed nodded. 

"You make an excellent point there, Hank. Do you know people who voted for Jackie?" 

"I do, sir." 

"Bastards. Bring them to me for a beheading immediately." 

Hank laughed again. 

"I'll tell them, sir." 

"Can you give me a prediction, who you think will likely win this election?" 

"Jed! Poll! It's a poll!" Abbey exclaimed. 

"Right, sorry. Can you give your prediction on who will likely win the poll?" 

"Well, it's difficult to say, sir. Jackie Kennedy's got the legacy thing going for here, whereas Mrs. Bartlet's got the, ya know, alive thing going for her. Mrs. Bartlet is obviously the most visible right now, but as far as the past goes, Jackie's probably the most recognizable First Lady we've ever had. Can I ask, who did you vote for, sir? Can I assume you voted for your wife?" 

"Nah, I voted for Jackie." 

Abbey jabbed him in the ribs. 

"Ow!" 

"Looks like you're due for your own beheading then, sir," Hank replied. 

Abbey tried to suppress her giggles. 

"I like this guy. He gets under your skin," she said to her husband. 

"Ok, I've had enough with this. What do you say we finish up this shoot?" Jed suggested. 

"Yes, sir! Mrs. Bartlet?" 

"Right behind you, Hank." 


	20. Battle of the Sexy 20

**Battle of the Sexy**

**by:** Skye 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Pairing(s):** Jed/Abbey   
**Category(s):** Comedy  
**Rating:** TEEN  
**Summary:** When _Time_ Magazine puts First Lady Abigail Bartlet against Jacqueline Kennedy in a contest for 'Sexiest First Lady of All-Time,' the entire staff is in a frenzy  
**Written:** 2005-08-05  


* * *

**Chapter Twenty**

The evening before the next issue of _Time_ magazine was to be released, and the results of the poll announced, the White House was planning to receive an advance copy. They wanted to give CJ a chance to put together a briefing for the press. Also, the President insisted that he would like to informed of the poll's outcome before the American people. One of the perks of being President, he had said. 

Late that evening, Amy, the senior staff and the Bartlet family gathered in the Roosevelt room and waited anxiously for the magazine to be delivered. Ten o'clock came and went, and still no magazine. 

"Ok, if we're going to be sitting here all right, can we at least order a pizza?" Zoey questioned. 

Jed nodded, then looked at his staff. 

"One of you go get a few pizzas please." 

Toby volunteered. 

"Jed, maybe we should just wait and find out tomorrow with everyone else," Abbey suggested. 

"No. We are going to sit here until the magazine is in this very room." 

Zoey and Ellie rolled their eyes. 

"Dad, why is this so important to you?" Ellie wondered. 

"It's not." 

"Please, I haven't seen you this tense since the Patriots lost the Superbowl, a few years back." 

"That was a very upsetting loss, Eleanor." 

"Uh-uh, I know." 

"Here's the thing, though," Zoey began. "Dad's gonna be pissed no matter what the outcome of the poll is." 

"Yeah, I can't wait for that," Sam muttered under his breath. 

"At least the photo shoot went well," CJ piped in. 

Jed laughed cynically. 

"Yeah, it went well all right." 

"It went fine, Jed," Abbey said, sternly. 

"I'm dying to see it," Ellie said. "Is it going to be included in this issue?" 

"Should be," Amy answered. 

"Does it depend on whether or not Mom wins the thing?" 

"No, it's supposed to be in there anyway. But I guess we'll find out." 

"So," Zoey said. "Let's do a little survey. Who here voted for Mom?" 

Everyone automatically raised their hands. 

"Everyone voted for Mom?" Zoey asked, in disbelief. 

"You're damn right they did," Jed said. "Although I'm not sure if I like that or not." 

"Nobody thinks Jackie Kennedy was sexy?" 

Josh laughed. 

"Oh, she was sexy all right." 

"Watch yourself, J," Amy warned. 

"All I'm saying is, Jackie was definitely sexy. Mrs. B is just…sexier." 

"Yeah, watch yourself, J," Jed repeated, then looked at Amy. "Why do you call him J?" 

"Long story, sir," Amy replied. 

"Amelia Judith Gardner, you have known me since the day you were born. When have I not liked long stories?" 

Amy smiled. 

"That's true, sir, you are the master of long stories." 

"You flatter me, Amy." 

"I try, sir." 

"Amy, you're going to boost his already sky-high ego if you're not careful," Abbey said. 

"She'll take her chances," Jed said. "Won't you, Amy?" 

"Absolutely, sir." 

"She's just forgetting that it's me she works for, not you." 

"Yes, ma'am!" 

"See, she's just confused," Jed said. 

"Guys, stop taunting Amy, will ya?" Zoey begged. 

"We're not taunting her, Zoey. We're making her feel like part of the family," Jed answered. 

Ellie laughed. 

"Isn't that the truth." 

"Someone should get Liz and Mallory on conference," Amy suggested. "I know they don't want to miss this." 

Amy Gardner, Elizabeth Bartlet-Westin, and Mallory McGarry O'Brien had all been best friends since they could remember, despite numerous separations. 

"I'll do it. Gimme a sec," Zoey offered. 

CJ's cell phone began ringing, startling everyone in the room. She quickly answered it. 

"Yeah? Ok. Yeah. Thanks." 

She snapped the phone shut. They all stared at her for more information. 

"Magazine's here. Toby's got it." 

Zoey sat up straight. 

"He's got the pizza too, right?" 

CJ laughed. 

"Yeah." 

A shiver went down Abbey's spine. 

"I'm nervous! Is that wrong?" 

"Awe, Mom!" Ellie cooed. 

"Are you mocking me, Eleanor?" 

"No! I think it's cute. My mother, nervously awaiting to find out if she's been named the Sexiest First Lady of All-Time. Sweet…"

Then, Toby burst through the doors carrying two large pizzas and a manila envelope. 

"Thank God!" Zoey exclaimed, snatching the pizza boxes from him. 

"Give me the magazine," Jed demanded. 

Toby complied without hesitation. 

"Ok. Ready for the results?" 

** 

Everyone leaned in, waiting for the President to open the envelope, pull out the magazine, and reveal the results. The only sound that could be heard was the sound of Zoey chewing her pizza. Abbey moved over to sit beside her husband. Amy had gotten Liz and Mallory on the conference line and they, too, were anxious to hear the results. 

"The time has come," Jed said, dramatically. 

"Oh, the love of God, Jed, will you open the damn envelope?" 

The staff chuckled at the First Lady's impatience. 

"Mmm," Zoey mumbled, swallowing a bite of pizza. "Yeah, Dad, show us." 

The tension grew as Jed opened the large, manila envelope. 

"Dad, stop taunting us and open it!" Elizabeth's voice shouted from the speaker phone. 

Jed stopped and glared at the phone. 

"How do you know what I'm doing, Elizabeth? You can't even see me!" 

"Thirty-one years of practice, Dad." 

Jed sighed and continued fussing with the envelope. Abbey rolled her eyes. 

"He's the same way on Christmas morning." 

"All right, fine!" 

Jed grasped the magazine inside the envelope and slid it out quickly. His eyes widened. 

"Good Lord," he muttered, under his breath. 

Abbey leaned in to get a look at it. 

"Wow." 

"Show us!" Ellie demanded. 

Jed turned the magazine so that everyone in the room could see the cover plainly. Josh whistled. 

"That's pretty hot, ya know," Amy commented, grinning. 

"I must say, that is an impressive picture, Mrs. B," Sam added. 

"What?! What's going on? What does it say?!" Liz exclaimed. 

"Tell us!" Mallory begged. 

Jed smiled at his wife, then put his glasses on to read it to his daughter, and his goddaughter. 

"It says, 'Abigail Bartlet- Sexiest First Lady of All-Time. The people have spoken.'" 

Elizabeth and Mallory squealed, while the staff clapped. Jed put his arm around Abbey's shoulders and pulled her into him. Zoey even put her slice of pizza down for a moment to join them in their applause. 

"I don't mean to spoil the moment or anything but…" Toby. Always spoiling the moment. 

"What, Toby?" Jed asked. 

"I'd really like to see what the article has to say." 

"What he means is, he wants to see the photo shoot," CJ clarified. 

Toby shot her a look. 

"I want to see the numbers." 

"Toby, it's a magazine poll," Josh said. 

"I want to see the numbers." 

Jed began flipping through the magazine until he got to the article, then he scanned the paragraphs looking for the polling numbers. 

"Aha. 'Dr. Bartlet triumphed over Mrs. Kennedy by taking an overwhelming 68% of the votes, to Mrs. Kennedy's 32%.'" 

"My God," Toby whispered. 

"That's fantastic!" Josh exclaimed. 

"Honestly, I expected it to be a much narrower margin…" Sam admitted. 

Jed glared at him. 

"Only because of Jackie's legacy and such," Sam said, quickly. 

"So what do we do now?" Ellie asked. 

"We party!" Jed exclaimed. 

THE END 


End file.
